Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
