I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
