I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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