So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
