I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
