Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Let's paint friendship bongs
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
