I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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