I wish I could punch you in the face.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
