Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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