he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
