my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
