I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
