oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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