Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
