my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize