im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
