overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
