My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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