He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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