There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize