I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
