Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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