Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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