i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
