lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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