How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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