While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My ATM looks so different sober.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
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Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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