just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
