youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
