A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
