I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
