isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
