I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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