I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
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may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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