i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
