and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
