I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
