I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
