I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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