I met the friendliest cop last night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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