i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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