my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
