dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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