dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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