just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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