meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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