Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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