I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
