Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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