FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
