My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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