im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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