mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
