He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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