the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you traded sex for a burrito?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
