Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
