Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
