We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
