Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
