theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
