I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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