look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
