Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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